H is for Halloween '09- Heard About the Panda at the Diner?

So a panda walks into a diner, orders 2 eggs scrambled with bacon and rye toast, and of course coffee with sugar, no milk, pays his bill then pulls out and shoots up the whole place.

As he's leaving somebody asks him, "Yo panda, why'd you do that for?"

Panda replies, "Google me bitch!!" and takes off.

So dude pulls out his blackberry, googles panda and reads...

EATS SHUTES & LEAVES.

KILLED IT. I'm out of here.



Halloween 2009 and pandas are in full effect. Keeping with the black and white theme from last year, skunks, we don't plan on any shootouts, but most definitely some pandemonium. At least we won't hear any terrible "You skunks stink" jeers. Ugh. To dis a panda you need to be somewhat intelligent.

For all the years we've been doing it up for Halloween, this costume is by far the shittiest. 90 beans for a pair of polyester pants (sort of tight), furry top and a massive headpiece. Paw foot covers too. The headpiece is dumb tight, but no turning back now.

Enjoy.

I'll Take a Shitter on the Schmitter aka Zim, This is for You.

Truth be told the Schmitter is one of the best ballpark food items on the planet. But we're going to ignore that for the time being and rep for my Billy Barou Nachos. A year ago today I had my Ryan Howard jersey shirt on repping for my NL East cohorts. I mean they're the Mets' arch nemesis and I hate the Mets so based on some transitive property thinking it made sense. (Buck I see you) And who were these Devil Rays? Bunch of one hit wonders.



My disdain for the un-lovable losers, last year aside, began on Sunday, May 24, 2009 during the extra innings loss to the Phils at the new Cathedral. A tough loss as Melky tied it up in the bottom 9th only to cough it up in the 11th. Thank you Brett Tomko, enjoy Oakland. Jerk. I heard about Philly fans, (not a Giants fan so indifferent to Eagles fans, until now) but seeing them in person is a completely different animal. And animals they were. A fucking May inter-league game and these dudes (girls too) are acting like it's the biggest day of their life. Bigger than first born status. "Fuck the Yankees" chants and all that. Goatees dyed red, cheesesteak hats, awfulness. And I'm not trying to talk shit behind anybody's back here. Not my thing. Just being objective, as I'm sure these people would agree that they're dirtbags too. I truly understood the degree of disgustingness. Don't even start me on the female Eagles fan in B'more who accosted us following a Yankees v. Orioles game- chick saw the Yankees garb and went into the "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant hardbody. No bullshit, the veins on her neck were trying to escape. Not bad looking either. What a shame.



Don Zimmer we still love you. The way you were face planted by this jheri curled assassin. Unacceptable. We will seek and exact revenge in your honor. Tonight is what everybody's been waiting for. The suspense, the drama. Pedro back in NYC for the first time in 4 years, though his Mets stint doesn't really register. Dude was half-crippled. Game 7 of the '04 ALCS is the real last game. The game that most mattered. A terrible day.



I thought this shirt would never have meaning again (aside from the obvious). With Damon benedicting and joining the greatest franchise ever, Manny out in Lala, and Pedro's invalid status for so long, who would have thought? (We need a Papi, Pedroia, Youkilis and Papelbon shirt ASAP) The baseball gods knew what was coming. And tonight, judgment shall be delivered. It better, because I need me some cheesesteaks, and refuse to spend my loot in Philly if they win. And going back to Philly down 2 is not a good look. Especially with a freshly insulted Cole Hamels being demoted to a 3rd stringer. LET'S GO YANKEES!!! Let's wake the fuck up. Yeah you Tex, come on. A-Rod don't start freaking out and spiral back to previous post-seasons. Not now. Man the fuck up. And Joe, get your shit together. If he's not pitching well, yank him immediately. Let's go boys.



Fuck a schmitter. Fuck a cheesesteak. We rep hard tonight. Moe's Southwest Grill gets busy. And what's Philly's answer to Jiggaman? Schooly D? Ha.

Katz's Deli really needs a stand at the stadium. That would be some real battle royale shit. NYC Pastrami vs. the Philly cheesesteak. Is it even a question?

HowfreshEats Stacks (Potato) Chips Like Hebrews Vol. 7- The Whole Foods Edition.

Lucky # 7. Mickey Mantle status. This could and should be 2 posts. 1 for the fried taters, and another for the grand introduction to Whole Foods. My organic/local/slow foods/artisanal cherry has been popped. I thought WF was some crunchy cooperative patchouli scented wierdo fest. Boy was I wrong. This place is an epicurean wonder land. The prepared foods alone would take me a month to conquer. OK, maybe a week. I am ashamed that a man of my stature in the food game is a Whole Foods newbie. It's what I get for judging. And hating. 4 bags were acquired from WF and 2 were purchased at the market across from 21 Mercer, based on the recommendation of some big dog in the sneaker game, gate keeper status. Sneakers and potato chips have more in common than you think. Think about it.

You can check out the previous 6 "Stack (Potato) Chips..." installments here: Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Vol. 3, Vol. 4, Vol. 5, and Vol. 6.

Herr's Kettle Cooked Boardwalk Salt & Vinegar

I'll admit, Herr's isn't on my radar. Chip snob? Maybe. Major bite and acidity. A good chip, light and easy to eat. Fairly addictive. Not as thick and crunchy as other "kettle" chips, though more substantial than a bag of Lay's. A little lip swelling after a decent sitting. The vinegar and salt do not play. Never saw chips on a boardwalk, only salt water taffy, but I won't question it. Heavy with the ingredients- lactose, barley flour, sodium diacetate, silicon dioxide (anti-caking agent). Cooked in vegetable oil (corn, cottonseed or soybean). 8.5 oz bag, $3.49.

365 Sea Salt & Vinegar Kettle Cooked

365 is Whole Food's in-house brand. This is the salt & vinegar chip for beginner's. No bite whatsoever. Sweet in fact. Seems like a milder, less acidic cider vinegar. There's a lingering taste that I can't describe- sweet, floral? Something I'm not accustomed to in the pantheon of chipology. Not offensive, just different. 8.5 oz bag, $3.50.

Kettle Brand Jalapeno

Like all Kettle Brand product, a really nice chip. Always crunchy, bite-sized, and packed with flavor. Jalapeno is a newer flavor extension as noted by the red chile ablaze on the bag. A darker chip specked with tiny pieces of parsley, it packs some heat. Nothing unbearable, but if squeamish to some fire, I'd suggest you stay away. Nice blend of salt, spice and sweet. OD on ingredients, however Kettle brand utilizes "wind power, solar power, green building and biodiesel" thus maintaining a small carbon footprint. That's what I'm talking about. 5 oz. bag, $2.50-$3.

Tyrrell's Cider Vinegar & Sea Salt

I had read about these in a foodie mag (hate foodies) so when I saw these on the WF shelf you know I snatched them with the quickness. Does that make me a foodie? Ugh, fuck me. Anyway, these are made in the UK, Herefordshire to be more specific. Similar to the afore mentioned 365 sea salt & vinegar chip, these are very mild, and sweet. A darker potato, these are very dry, i.e. less oil than most chips. Great salt distribution. The first bite gives off sweet followed by a back of tongue saltiness. Listen, it's what I'm feeling. (I imagine a pause is necessary since the words, salt, sweet, tongue, feeling etc. were used) The bag doesn't advertise "kettle cooked" but reads "hand cooked." Thinner than typical kettle cooked, but just as crunchy. Sunflower oil with a variety of other ingredients including vinegar powders, sugar and lemon powders. 5.3 oz. bag, $3.50.

Boulder Canyon Totally Natural

I like my chips just as I like my women, totally natural. Ahh, the lovely Boulder Canyon. They're like that girl that you were really serious with and then things end. You see her years later and it just feels good- things are just where you left off. And then you wonder why it even ended. But there's no need for any serious talk, just enjoy the moment. These chips are great. Quality is unparalleled. Flavorful- the potato is always the star of the show- earthy and salty. Crazy crunch. Very rich, to the point that I get a little heartburn after too many. Heart burn, heart ache? Same shit- see the comparison? 5 0z. bag, $3.

365 Organic Classic Potato Salt & Pepper

Forgive me for this purchase. Not kettle cooked. What was I thinking? Mad brittle and too light, color and feel. But it's organic. Do enjoy the heavy amount of pepper, organic pepper that is. Fuck that, take 2 and pass. 5 oz. bag, $3.

Cease & Desist- the Ari Menthol documentary 7 pm tonight @ Barbes in BK.

If you're in the NYC tonight be sure to make it out to Barbes in Park Slope to check the screening of Cease & Desist a.k.a. Ari can't talk about it directed by John Carluccio, responsible for treats such as Battle Sounds, Scratch and a variety of other documentaries and shorts ranging from hip hop, to art, to food and so on.



Cease & Desist follows the release of the Ari Menthol sneaker, one of the most hyped releases during the sneaker heyday of 2006. The sneakers had a strong likeness to the Nike Air Force 1, with packaging fairly similar to a pack of Newports. The hype grew, kids waited on lines, legal issues ensued and a creative concept turned into a headache for Ari Forman. Carluccio was there at the release and linked up with Ari years later to discuss the legal quagmire brought on by 2 corporate behemoths. Sneakerhead or not, the film touches on general issues ranging from the creative drive to push the envelope, the fickleness of trends, and the power of corporate America.

Here's a little taste:



This screening is part of the Brooklyn Independent Cinema Series.

Barbés
7 pm
376 9th St (at 6th Ave)
Park Slope, Brooklyn
(718) 965-9177

H is for Holy Grail.

The hunt is over. For one pair at least. Still a couple more out there, but the white with safety orange trim from 2001 can be removed from the list. I saw it grazing in a valley and BLABOW!!!- blew it's motherfucking brains out. Nah- never that, because then the white would have stained. Just a little arsenic in the grass. A gentle death.



I loved this "pack" when they dropped back in '01. It's not fair to call them a pack because Nike wasn't branding it that way back then, but they would drop very similar kicks within the same time frame. I had the varsity blue and varsity reds. Never had the orange or the reeds- a khaki colorway. The leather on these is quality, and real leather. Lightly rippled and soft. The mesh lining has extra cushioning and provides more comfort than mostly any other AF1 I've worn. The simplicity is the appeal. No need to be loud. Just keep it cool baby, keep it cool. There was a pair on ebay for a while for close to $140 shipped. I must have watched it for a year until one day it was gone. And I kicked myself for weeks. I spend money on such bullshit, but when something I want is within striking distance I fall back. Makes no fucking sense. I guess the thrill of the hunt is the hunt, so by keeping it alive, I perpetuated the adrenaline rush every time I saw them there. Just a little psychoanalysis from your boy How. So when these appeared on the bay right before the Manifest Destiny trip I copped with the quickness.



They are worn. I admit it, I copped a pair of used kicks. But based on the pics and the price ($40 + shipping) I had to do it. The wear looked minimal, and it definitely was, however there is slight yellowing on the right sneaker. From experience I know this happens, especially to pairs from that era, but the pics looked clorox status. A flash can really be misleading. Whatever, I'm happy I have them and I just need to keep my eyes open for a brand new pair.



The fitted could have gotten top billing, but the kicks have an emotional attachment so they won out. But the hat. Tell me it isn't the flavors. I dare you. The good people at Pegasus- what up Juice and Aubrey- blessed the kid with this joint. Was it made for me? Maybe so, maybe no (cue Mayer Hawthorne now). But it was definitely meant to be rocked by me. Hickory Crawdads in a light brown (amber, caramel, mocha??) with an orange bill and button. Black H with the orange mudbug. I have no clue who created this logo- but I want to marry your daughter. No, seriously. Your genius must have seeped into her so our babies will be brilliant. I saw the design sheet for this months back and was expecting a darker brown, but was pleasantly surprised with this. Never had a cap this color and it matches these wildwoods I have to a T (please see below).



And since 1 isn't enough I had to double up. This time with the alternate jumpoff. Again, buttahfingas.



A claw clenching a baseball. Genius?? Apparently. A simple black and white cap is a necessity when you're trying to keep that swag under control. But hold on. This shit glows in the dark, no Kanye. Doesn't work too well though. Need to have it directly under a light bulb for a good minute just to get some illumination.



We're building a nice little family here. All get along. No snapping claws. Harmony.



See? Matching is so 2010. Get your game up.

Howfresh x Ralph Lauren aka HRL.

Ralph Lauren is the fucking man. After years of letters, phone calls, faxes, door knocks, borderline harassment, etc. I finally have my initials on a Polo hoodie. The official collabo. Shit almost brought me to tears. True story.

I wasn't even trying to cop anything. Just peeping the product following a Giants loss to the Padres. Great pitching, terrible hitting. Hit the San Fran Westfield Center- a dope building with a crazy dome/rotunda that houses mad stores. Bloomies, Nordstrom, fly shit like that. Howfresh loves to spend money. If he sees something he likes, he usually cops. I have no idea why we're 3rd personing it right now. Throw an H on it and you know I'm out the door with it.



I found myself in the Polo section looking for a come-up and BAM!!!! I see this beautiful thing. Red hoodie with a black and white "HRL" stitched on the left breast. Vintage varsity type letters. Wow. What's better than an H? HRL- the kid's initials. I lost my shit. Definite cop. Then the Sales Professional- tell me that shit ain't fancy- hits me with this sales pitch to sign up for a Bloomies card and to tell me about the sale that's going down on Friday, the 11th. Only problem being that it was Wed. and I was hitting the big bird on Friday. He concocts this whole plan to make it happen. Calls at the airport, refunded purchases, etc. I go along with it. Just get me that hoodie. Part of the deal was spending $150 to get an additional amount off plus a discount with the new card. So I snatch this Polo on sale- mad busy with a huge "5" ( I prefer even numbers), settle up and bounce. Did I mention there was a black hoodie too?



So I'm using the lovely Bloomies' restroom. I'm telling you- whenever you have business to attend to, the Bloomies's banos are top notch. Clean, always plentiful in the TP, never busy, and smell nice. You can keep your dignity while dropping doozies. So I'm throwing water on my face to grab that extra oxygen and it dawns on me, "I don't want that shirt. I might as well just hard body that shit and cop the black joint too." So I head back to homeboy and tell him the news. He's psyched cause his commission goes up and I'm glad I didn't piss any loot away on a rather bone shirt. The best part- I reached the higher plateau for the sale so I get 2 hoodies retailing at $145 each for a total of $191 shipped to my door. H. R. motherfucking L.

Plaxico, Step Your Steak Game Up.

Plaxico didn't do terrible, but he could have done better.

At approximately 3:45 pm yesterday word leaked (twitted actually) that Plaxico's "last supper" meal before getting thrown in the clink was at Del Frisco's steakhouse and consisted of the crab cake appetizer, oysters, shrimp remoulade and a bone-in ribeye. I can dig the 3:1 seafood to land animal ratio. Most steak houses usually carry a decent raw bar so I'm cool with that because otherwise you can't order oysters just anywhere. (The Pacific NW oyster post is in the works so hold tight.)

I'm very pleased with his choice of bone-in rib eye (pause?). But I am disappointed too. NYC is full of steak houses, and while Del Frisco's might be in the upper echelon (I've never been but a friend of mine that wears a diamond pinky ring swears by it), there are much better options for a rib-eye, namely Strip House. Yeah, yeah, I know you're supposed to order the namesake cut, but there are aberrations to the rule and this is clearly one of them.

I had wanted to write about this meal and thanks to Plaxico's poor judgment (twice) I have been given a 2nd chance to relive this fine feast. It all happened on a whim following the Rosenberg Noisemakers event with Q-Tip at 92Y Tribeca close to 5 months ago. It was approximately 10:50 pm and hunger was at the door. My boy was on some fine dining shit so I followed suit. Mary's Fish Camp was closed and Strip House was next in line. Called them up to see hours- they were closing at 11 but would take an order over the phone and we could eat at the bar. From jump SH was trying to win.

Royalty the minute we walked through the door. 2 place settings at the bar with an onion soup amuse bouche waiting to be enjoyed. I can honestly say this was my first amuse bouche EVER. Fanciness has its privileges. Time to step my posh game up.



And then it emerged. 22 oz. bone in Rib Eye prepared Medium Rare. The marbling was perfect and the thin layer of fat around the edges gently hugged the aged beef. Butter soft. Perfect char on the shell. A little salt, pepper and possibly some other spices (garlic maybe?). Delicious. Daddy Warbuck's rich. It must have been cooking in a stick of butter. I couldn't finish it but so wanted to. I had to have the plate removed from me because it was about to head downhill aka involuntary liquid removal status. Figure a 22 oz. steak is 16-18 oz. without the bone. Chances are that nowadays I could knock one out with my current eating regimen.



Steak without sauteed mushrooms is sin in my book. The 2 flavors complement themselves so well. Strip House offers a hefty portion of wild mushrooms. Nothing fancy. Just right. I actually might have made the mistake of eating too many shrooms thus the extra steak left on my plate. Live and learn.



Creamed spinach is another steakhouse mainstay, and SH takes it to another level. This is what Foxy was singing about when she dropped, it takes just like candy. Black Truffle Creamed Spinach. What more is there to say. I'd have been on my popeye shit as a youngster if this was put on the plate. I could have inhaled this through a straw. Sweet, delicate, decadent. Spinach with swag most definitely.



The H seal of approval. This wasn't a cheap meal, figure $50 per steak with sides running $10-$15. Add several beers to the mix and you can cop a nice pair of kicks (total for 2). My boy looked out and I didn't even have to put out- good looking Marky B. Sitting at the bar I wasn't able to fully absorb the interior, but the place is dark with red tones with a burlesque feel- minus the ladies. The booths appeared to have privacy- great for creepers. Probably a nice date place but who wants to be with a chick that can inhale a 22oz piece of meat- ayyyyyyyooooo. Unless of course "she take a bone like a rib eye steak at Ruth Chris". I got to give Ghostface credit for that one.

Plax, if by chance you're reading this, I don't want you to be down on yourself for choosing the wrong steak. Just think of what you have to look forward once the bid is up.

Strip House
13 E. 12th St. between 5th Ave. and University
New York, NY 10003
212-328-0000
StripHouse.com
Mon - Sat 5pm - 11:15pm
Sun 5pm - 10pm


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