H is for Halloween '09- Heard About the Panda at the Diner?

So a panda walks into a diner, orders 2 eggs scrambled with bacon and rye toast, and of course coffee with sugar, no milk, pays his bill then pulls out and shoots up the whole place.

As he's leaving somebody asks him, "Yo panda, why'd you do that for?"

Panda replies, "Google me bitch!!" and takes off.

So dude pulls out his blackberry, googles panda and reads...

EATS SHUTES & LEAVES.

KILLED IT. I'm out of here.



Halloween 2009 and pandas are in full effect. Keeping with the black and white theme from last year, skunks, we don't plan on any shootouts, but most definitely some pandemonium. At least we won't hear any terrible "You skunks stink" jeers. Ugh. To dis a panda you need to be somewhat intelligent.

For all the years we've been doing it up for Halloween, this costume is by far the shittiest. 90 beans for a pair of polyester pants (sort of tight), furry top and a massive headpiece. Paw foot covers too. The headpiece is dumb tight, but no turning back now.

Enjoy.

I'll Take a Shitter on the Schmitter aka Zim, This is for You.

Truth be told the Schmitter is one of the best ballpark food items on the planet. But we're going to ignore that for the time being and rep for my Billy Barou Nachos. A year ago today I had my Ryan Howard jersey shirt on repping for my NL East cohorts. I mean they're the Mets' arch nemesis and I hate the Mets so based on some transitive property thinking it made sense. (Buck I see you) And who were these Devil Rays? Bunch of one hit wonders.



My disdain for the un-lovable losers, last year aside, began on Sunday, May 24, 2009 during the extra innings loss to the Phils at the new Cathedral. A tough loss as Melky tied it up in the bottom 9th only to cough it up in the 11th. Thank you Brett Tomko, enjoy Oakland. Jerk. I heard about Philly fans, (not a Giants fan so indifferent to Eagles fans, until now) but seeing them in person is a completely different animal. And animals they were. A fucking May inter-league game and these dudes (girls too) are acting like it's the biggest day of their life. Bigger than first born status. "Fuck the Yankees" chants and all that. Goatees dyed red, cheesesteak hats, awfulness. And I'm not trying to talk shit behind anybody's back here. Not my thing. Just being objective, as I'm sure these people would agree that they're dirtbags too. I truly understood the degree of disgustingness. Don't even start me on the female Eagles fan in B'more who accosted us following a Yankees v. Orioles game- chick saw the Yankees garb and went into the "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant hardbody. No bullshit, the veins on her neck were trying to escape. Not bad looking either. What a shame.



Don Zimmer we still love you. The way you were face planted by this jheri curled assassin. Unacceptable. We will seek and exact revenge in your honor. Tonight is what everybody's been waiting for. The suspense, the drama. Pedro back in NYC for the first time in 4 years, though his Mets stint doesn't really register. Dude was half-crippled. Game 7 of the '04 ALCS is the real last game. The game that most mattered. A terrible day.



I thought this shirt would never have meaning again (aside from the obvious). With Damon benedicting and joining the greatest franchise ever, Manny out in Lala, and Pedro's invalid status for so long, who would have thought? (We need a Papi, Pedroia, Youkilis and Papelbon shirt ASAP) The baseball gods knew what was coming. And tonight, judgment shall be delivered. It better, because I need me some cheesesteaks, and refuse to spend my loot in Philly if they win. And going back to Philly down 2 is not a good look. Especially with a freshly insulted Cole Hamels being demoted to a 3rd stringer. LET'S GO YANKEES!!! Let's wake the fuck up. Yeah you Tex, come on. A-Rod don't start freaking out and spiral back to previous post-seasons. Not now. Man the fuck up. And Joe, get your shit together. If he's not pitching well, yank him immediately. Let's go boys.



Fuck a schmitter. Fuck a cheesesteak. We rep hard tonight. Moe's Southwest Grill gets busy. And what's Philly's answer to Jiggaman? Schooly D? Ha.

Katz's Deli really needs a stand at the stadium. That would be some real battle royale shit. NYC Pastrami vs. the Philly cheesesteak. Is it even a question?

HowfreshEats Stacks (Potato) Chips Like Hebrews Vol. 7- The Whole Foods Edition.

Lucky # 7. Mickey Mantle status. This could and should be 2 posts. 1 for the fried taters, and another for the grand introduction to Whole Foods. My organic/local/slow foods/artisanal cherry has been popped. I thought WF was some crunchy cooperative patchouli scented wierdo fest. Boy was I wrong. This place is an epicurean wonder land. The prepared foods alone would take me a month to conquer. OK, maybe a week. I am ashamed that a man of my stature in the food game is a Whole Foods newbie. It's what I get for judging. And hating. 4 bags were acquired from WF and 2 were purchased at the market across from 21 Mercer, based on the recommendation of some big dog in the sneaker game, gate keeper status. Sneakers and potato chips have more in common than you think. Think about it.

You can check out the previous 6 "Stack (Potato) Chips..." installments here: Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Vol. 3, Vol. 4, Vol. 5, and Vol. 6.

Herr's Kettle Cooked Boardwalk Salt & Vinegar

I'll admit, Herr's isn't on my radar. Chip snob? Maybe. Major bite and acidity. A good chip, light and easy to eat. Fairly addictive. Not as thick and crunchy as other "kettle" chips, though more substantial than a bag of Lay's. A little lip swelling after a decent sitting. The vinegar and salt do not play. Never saw chips on a boardwalk, only salt water taffy, but I won't question it. Heavy with the ingredients- lactose, barley flour, sodium diacetate, silicon dioxide (anti-caking agent). Cooked in vegetable oil (corn, cottonseed or soybean). 8.5 oz bag, $3.49.

365 Sea Salt & Vinegar Kettle Cooked

365 is Whole Food's in-house brand. This is the salt & vinegar chip for beginner's. No bite whatsoever. Sweet in fact. Seems like a milder, less acidic cider vinegar. There's a lingering taste that I can't describe- sweet, floral? Something I'm not accustomed to in the pantheon of chipology. Not offensive, just different. 8.5 oz bag, $3.50.

Kettle Brand Jalapeno

Like all Kettle Brand product, a really nice chip. Always crunchy, bite-sized, and packed with flavor. Jalapeno is a newer flavor extension as noted by the red chile ablaze on the bag. A darker chip specked with tiny pieces of parsley, it packs some heat. Nothing unbearable, but if squeamish to some fire, I'd suggest you stay away. Nice blend of salt, spice and sweet. OD on ingredients, however Kettle brand utilizes "wind power, solar power, green building and biodiesel" thus maintaining a small carbon footprint. That's what I'm talking about. 5 oz. bag, $2.50-$3.

Tyrrell's Cider Vinegar & Sea Salt

I had read about these in a foodie mag (hate foodies) so when I saw these on the WF shelf you know I snatched them with the quickness. Does that make me a foodie? Ugh, fuck me. Anyway, these are made in the UK, Herefordshire to be more specific. Similar to the afore mentioned 365 sea salt & vinegar chip, these are very mild, and sweet. A darker potato, these are very dry, i.e. less oil than most chips. Great salt distribution. The first bite gives off sweet followed by a back of tongue saltiness. Listen, it's what I'm feeling. (I imagine a pause is necessary since the words, salt, sweet, tongue, feeling etc. were used) The bag doesn't advertise "kettle cooked" but reads "hand cooked." Thinner than typical kettle cooked, but just as crunchy. Sunflower oil with a variety of other ingredients including vinegar powders, sugar and lemon powders. 5.3 oz. bag, $3.50.

Boulder Canyon Totally Natural

I like my chips just as I like my women, totally natural. Ahh, the lovely Boulder Canyon. They're like that girl that you were really serious with and then things end. You see her years later and it just feels good- things are just where you left off. And then you wonder why it even ended. But there's no need for any serious talk, just enjoy the moment. These chips are great. Quality is unparalleled. Flavorful- the potato is always the star of the show- earthy and salty. Crazy crunch. Very rich, to the point that I get a little heartburn after too many. Heart burn, heart ache? Same shit- see the comparison? 5 0z. bag, $3.

365 Organic Classic Potato Salt & Pepper

Forgive me for this purchase. Not kettle cooked. What was I thinking? Mad brittle and too light, color and feel. But it's organic. Do enjoy the heavy amount of pepper, organic pepper that is. Fuck that, take 2 and pass. 5 oz. bag, $3.

Cease & Desist- the Ari Menthol documentary 7 pm tonight @ Barbes in BK.

If you're in the NYC tonight be sure to make it out to Barbes in Park Slope to check the screening of Cease & Desist a.k.a. Ari can't talk about it directed by John Carluccio, responsible for treats such as Battle Sounds, Scratch and a variety of other documentaries and shorts ranging from hip hop, to art, to food and so on.



Cease & Desist follows the release of the Ari Menthol sneaker, one of the most hyped releases during the sneaker heyday of 2006. The sneakers had a strong likeness to the Nike Air Force 1, with packaging fairly similar to a pack of Newports. The hype grew, kids waited on lines, legal issues ensued and a creative concept turned into a headache for Ari Forman. Carluccio was there at the release and linked up with Ari years later to discuss the legal quagmire brought on by 2 corporate behemoths. Sneakerhead or not, the film touches on general issues ranging from the creative drive to push the envelope, the fickleness of trends, and the power of corporate America.

Here's a little taste:



This screening is part of the Brooklyn Independent Cinema Series.

Barbés
7 pm
376 9th St (at 6th Ave)
Park Slope, Brooklyn
(718) 965-9177